Monday, November 22, 2010

Things I Learned Milking and Things Every Farm Woman Should Know

Things I Learned Milking:

  • Expect to catch shit. All the time.
  • Urine happens when you least expect it.
  • Farts happen during sex. Even lesbian sex.
  • And never think a cow will pass up an opportunity to try and go through a hole that is far too small for her. It’s like a fat girl in Spandex. It happens and it’s not pretty.

What every farm woman should know:

  • How to back up a trailer.
  • How to give shots to a rangy bull and not lose a hand in the working corral.
  • How to tell when a cow is ready to calve.
  • How to fix anything with virtually nothing, and make Halloween costumes out of duct tape.
  • How to feed eight or more hungry men when she planned for two.
  • How to pull a dog away from a porcupine, armadillo, dead possum, out of a hole, down from a tree, out from under a moving vehicle, all while wrangling six screaming kids and a husband (make that seven screaming kids).
  • How to change a tire in heels and… oh who the hell are we kidding? Farm women don’t get to wear heels.
  • How to change a tire.
  • How to catch shit and fling it back.
  • And how to have a sense of humor when everyone else has lost theirs.