Things I Learned Milking:
- Expect to catch shit. All the time.
- Urine happens when you least expect it.
- Farts happen during sex. Even lesbian sex.
- And never think a cow will pass up an opportunity to try and go through a hole that is far too small for her. It’s like a fat girl in Spandex. It happens and it’s not pretty.
What every farm woman should know:
- How to back up a trailer.
- How to give shots to a rangy bull and not lose a hand in the working corral.
- How to tell when a cow is ready to calve.
- How to fix anything with virtually nothing, and make Halloween costumes out of duct tape.
- How to feed eight or more hungry men when she planned for two.
- How to pull a dog away from a porcupine, armadillo, dead possum, out of a hole, down from a tree, out from under a moving vehicle, all while wrangling six screaming kids and a husband (make that seven screaming kids).
- How to change a tire in heels and… oh who the hell are we kidding? Farm women don’t get to wear heels.
- How to change a tire.
- How to catch shit and fling it back.
- And how to have a sense of humor when everyone else has lost theirs.
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