Wednesday, July 31, 2013


It’s good to eat healthy, but to be healthy, you also have to move. Humans were designed to walk and bend and move around a lot, which is why some have said we’re running the latest software on a paleolithic hard drive. Our bodies are designed to be used, and when we don’t use them, they grow soft and flabby on us.

So I would like to bring you FARMERSIZE! That’s right, for the price of cows, you can get fit, ache and whine and throw your hips out of alignment.

First, you take a hungry group of grass-fed cows. Next, you push it to the next level by either being pregnant or pushing a baby in a stroller through places strollers were never designed to go. As an added cardio option, you’ll be bombarded by mosquitoes and have to fend them off as well. Don’t forget the workout itself, push through the woods, rolling out wire, pounding posts with a twenty-pound driver, then double back, fighting flimsy steel rods into the ground. Don’t lose those insulators! Every time a deer runs through your fence and pops one of those suckers off, you lose six cents. And at Barclay Farms we are too frugal to let deer get away with crap like that. So you’ll be spending lots of time feeding the mosquitoes while searching for insulators.

While you unroll wire with one hand, you’ll be pushing the baby through mud with the other. Don’t stop now! It’s also the baby’s naptime, so now he’s really tired. You’ll feel the burn as you rush between swatting mosquitoes off him and pulling dryer sheets out of his sticky grasp and sinking posts in along that final stretch of woods.

FARMERSIZE is free, because, let’s face it, who would pay to do this shit? So get ready to get as tired as you’ve ever been in your life and receive no thanks from the livestock for doing so. Get ready to FARMERSIZE!!

From WikiCommons