“Jail Break!”

The cows met in a secret meeting in the dark of night.

“Everyone clear on how this is going to go down?” Essential asked. Her chocolate calf nodded.

“I go under the fence,” he said.

“Right,” his mother said.

“And we distract the old woman,” 106P and 80R said. For some reason they were always bumming around together.

“Good,” Essential said. “I’ll watch for the farmer and blonde girl.” She gave another calf a hard look, her troublesome red twin. “And you will be?”

“Hanging in the back of the herd and making no noise.”

“Hmm-hm,” his mother said. The calf had no good sense for escape and tended to get stuck. “Everybody clear?” She waited for cud chews of approval. “Let’s go.”

119M began to rub her butt on the gate, scratching slowly back and forth so that the steel post began to, slowly, bend backwards and pop away from the flimsy panel gate.

“Faster, fat ass!” one of the cows hissed. “The ol’ lady’s gonna turn her lights on in a minute!”

“Eh! We got lots a time,” 119M insisted. And she was right. When the old lady (a.k.a. our heroine’s grandmother) opened her curtains in the morning, there lay the herd, right in her front yard under the azalea bushes. They chewed their cuds contentedly and watched the morning traffic on the dirt road commute to work.

The old lady let out a strangled scream and rushed to the phone.

To be continued…

Next time: (well, I’m not real sure what’s coming for our fearsome farmer heroine, but it’ll be some agriculture menace or disaster bent on taking over the world or at least procuring a snack.)